Hope

I hope I can get some stuff done today.

I hope that this feeling of restlessness inside of me is appeased by something.

It’s another rainy day here in Brisbane. I’m at home with Julius and we have no plans to go anywhere. I have a dozen things I could be doing, a handful of things I should be doing, and a blank page I want to fill with words about hope.

Like anything, feelings of hope, and hopelessness, come and go. Sometimes feelings of hope pass through me without any prompt or reason. I live for those moments to be honest, because they don’t come as often as they used to. When they do, I try not to hold onto them too tightly – I let it wash over me and am grateful for the reminder that even though this is not the life I thought I would be living, there can still be so much joy and happiness.

The moment passes, and I’m back to the present, whatever that may look like, but with a little more spring in my step.

…….three hours later…….

This blog post is not writing itself. Normally when I decide to write, I sit down, smash out some paragraphs, proof-read a couple of times and hit publish. This is not the case today. In fact, it hasn’t been the case for a while. The desire to write isn’t particularly present at the moment. I’m not exactly sure why – I have a few theories.

I’m just feeling a bit stuck and directionless with a few different things in my life. My energy levels are way down due to low iron, and my motivation levels are about the same. I’m still getting stuff done; I still get up every morning, even when I don’t want to. When I am at my best, I can get moving easily in the morning and can go about my day with enthusiasm and joy. And hope.

I don’t feel hopeless; that’s not it. I guess I’m just feeling like there’s more out there for me. I just don’t know what it is.

I do miss being in a partnership; a couple; the companionship; the dumb inside jokes. The loneliness comes and goes. I find myself in this weird situation where I can’t imagine ever wanting to live with someone again; to share parenting responsibilities with ANY other partner, but then again I can’t imagine myself being alone forever.

I am in such a strange place at the moment, clearly. I really do think a lot of it has to do with being so zapped of energy. I hope to see improvements in that in the coming weeks as I take my iron tabs and eat lots of greens and tasty steak. In the meantime, I will hold on to the hope that this feeling will pass and that I’ll feel less restless and more like myself again. Soon…..

I hope this photo puts a smile on your face 🙂

My clever and very proud Little J showing off his skills at Kindy.

2 Comments

  1. I love this post Renae! Check out this lecture by Clay Shirky:

    https://youtu.be/4HejlIlKc3Q

    His cognitive surplus construct is super relevant here. You my dear are abundant in surplus, and a frugal spender of your surplus! Most ppl would quite happily absorb that extra with gin and Netflix. You raise 4 absolute gem kids, keep up with a blog, study, and you make so many home made goodies. And you’re still asking “what else..? ” Renae I hope you see how truly amazing that is!
    Something or someone that will take up that surplus any time from now, because you’ve identified that surplus, and… you’re in spending mode baybeh!!
    ♥️ Charli

    1. Charli, I just found this comment sitting here, waiting for me to read on day 1 of school holidays. You (and you gorgeous family) are such shining lights in our lives and I thank you for your time and generosity of spirit. In all honesty, I spent two years absorbed in Netflix and Gin, and Prosecco and and and…. and it was time for a shift. I’ve felt more myself these past few months than I have in over three years, and it’s so great to be back. I will definitely check out that link you sent me when the kids are watching their midday movie xxxxxx

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