I know I’ve been talking a lot about grief and sadness and fighting back in these early posts of my new blog. I really hadn’t intended for this to be the mood, but that’s the thing about writing a blog about day to day life – you never know what the content is going to be from week to week. And often a more somber mood will inspire me to write. Sorry not sorry 🙂
A dear friend of mine experienced an awful loss this weekend just gone, and my heart is breaking for her and her family. I’ve been writing a lot in my journal about what it’s like to be in the awful position of losing someone very close to you. The shock of it puts you in this weird limbo, and you might find yourself, in the thick of grief, making a dumb joke and laughing, then feeling bad that other people might think you’re not hurting every second, every minute of every day.
Every. Single. Minute.
I can be transported back to that moment in time, when everything changed for me, and still feel it so thoroughly, when I hear of a loved one dealing with their own grief. Last week I was triggered by something that had me dealing with some demons of my own, so I was already on high alert. Even though it’s a different loss, I feel it. And I can sit in that shit, knowing that it will pass. But at the time, it doesn’t feel like it will ever get easier; that you will ever feel joy again; that you will ever find love again; you feel that nothing can replace what has been lost.
This is going to sound weird, but the good thing about grief is that you can write the rules yourself, and people in this position will do well to lean in to that. Whatever you are feeling, right now, is the right way to feel. Hopeless, lost, confused, amused, bewildered, crazy, calm, optimistic, angry, hopeful… whatever you feel is the right response and it will help carry you through to the other side. You don’t have to be strong, but you do have to have faith that the long minutes will get easier, if you keep moving forward.
Leunig seems to have a cartoon for so many occasions, and this time is no different. Let your grief carry you. The same with joy – let it carry you. I have felt many many moments of joy in the cluster-f**k that 2020 has been; I have allowed joy back into my life; embraced it with open arms. It is what gets me through when life turns into a sh*t-show.
Find your joy, however small, and have it at the ready when the time comes to stand back up and take that next step forward. And in the mean time, I will be here, to catch you, to listen and to help in any way I can.